This Person's Insane Day Might Be The Greatest Twitter Story Ever

Do you ever have one of those days where absolutely nothing goes your way? It starts shitty and somehow manages to go downhill from downhill. Well you might find comfort knowing your bad days don't hold a match to Twitter user @erinscafe. What seemed to start off as a regular meh day quickly turned into something...weird.

How it all started...with dog shit:

So about a week ago, Dwight took a shit on the bathroom floor. It was my fault; I was gone a lot longer than I'd expected. So when I walked in the house and smelled it, I thought yeah, okay. Harsh but fair.
-- Erin Burr, sir (@erinscafe) April 18, 2018

So I walk into the bathroom to clean it up, and look down and...there is a footprint in the dog shit.

Adam was at work the whole time.

I hadn't stepped into the bathroom, but I checked my shoes because...what.
-- Erin Burr, sir (@erinscafe) April 18, 2018

It was not my footprint.

You guys. I was shook.

A ghost stepped in dog shit in my bathroom and did not even clean it up.
-- Erin Burr, sir (@erinscafe) April 18, 2018

Now what was a regular dog accident is now some sort of haunted shit mystery.

We live in a little compound with four units, and we're good friends with the people in two of them. The third was rented out for just this month to a very strange couple with an adorable husky puppy.

So I ask the friends.
-- Erin Burr, sir (@erinscafe) April 18, 2018

"Um, hey, did anyone come in our house this afternoon and go in our bathroom and step in dog shit and then leave?"

...

No. Not the friends.

At this point I feel like it's even odds ghost/weird neighbors. Nothing is missing, so I clean up the shit and start locking my doors.
-- Erin Burr, sir (@erinscafe) April 18, 2018

Fast forward to today. I've been locking my doors and closing windows because the neighbors are creepy. I lock up, and head out to my car so I can pick up the kids I babysit from school. I'm parked in the alley out back, which is super convenient.

Usually.
-- Erin Burr, sir (@erinscafe) April 18, 2018

Today, however, the end of the alley is blocked off by at least four unmarked police cars. There are a dozen cops. I can kind of see someone handcuffed on the ground. Lots of plainclothes cops. Shit is going down.
-- Erin Burr, sir (@erinscafe) April 18, 2018

So now there is a bunch of cops, an apartment covered in dogshit with mysterious footprints and also this is about to happen:

It's a dead-end alley. I'm blocked in. I figure I need to ask them if they can move the arrest over a few feet. Nbd. I set my car keys, phone, and wallet down on the seat of the car. And then, distracted af, I hit the lock button.

And close the door.
-- Erin Burr, sir (@erinscafe) April 18, 2018

Cool, so add being locked out of your car in the middle of a crisis to the list.

Have you ever locked your whole life in a car in the middle of a police raid.
-- Erin Burr, sir (@erinscafe) April 18, 2018

Let me tell you what happens. I immediately start trying to break into my car through the window that's cracked open.

And then I realize there are like A DOZEN COPS AT THE END OF THE ALLEY.
-- Erin Burr, sir (@erinscafe) April 18, 2018

And I do not have time to be arrested for breaking into my own car.

So I think, okay, I'll just go use the computer to...email someone. For help.

But I locked my doors because of the creepy neighbors.
-- Erin Burr, sir (@erinscafe) April 18, 2018

I swear to god, I start walking around the compound kind of flapping my arms going "think, think, think."

I try the neighbors. Even the creepy neighbors. Not home.

But one of my friends left a door unlocked. I go in, because it's not breaking and entering if it's an emergency.
-- Erin Burr, sir (@erinscafe) April 18, 2018

Note: I do not think that is how laws work.

I immediately realize this is 2018 and they don't have a landline or a desktop computer.

I steal a Diet Coke from their fridge because now's as good a time as any to fall off the wagon.
-- Erin Burr, sir (@erinscafe) April 18, 2018

I run back to the alley, drinking the Diet Coke and chanting think think think and I see there are even more cops.

I run back through the compound out the front.

And then I realize my only option is to go to the closet business and use their phone.

I run to mf Baskin Robbins.
-- Erin Burr, sir (@erinscafe) April 18, 2018

MF Baskin Robbins to the rescue.

As I run, I pass the end of the alley from the other side. And I realize the cop cars are all centered around an SUV with a husky puppy in the back. And I think, hey that dog looks fam- OH MY FUCKING GOD.
-- Erin Burr, sir (@erinscafe) April 18, 2018

MY CREEPY NEIGHBORS ARE BEING ARRESTED IN SOME MAJOR STING OPERATION AND IT'S NOT EVEN MY MAIN PROBLEM BECAUSE SCHOOL IS ABOUT TO LET OUT AND I HAVE NO PHONE.
-- Erin Burr, sir (@erinscafe) April 18, 2018

So I run into Baskin-Robbins, and I was maybe a bit hysterical at this point because I kind of yelled HELLO YES CAN I USE YOUR PHONE TO CALL THE SCHOOL MY NEIGHBORS ARE BEING ARRESTED.
-- Erin Burr, sir (@erinscafe) April 18, 2018

I looked at her and said "do you have a phone book" and she said "a what" and I just started laughing hysterically because there's nothing like being reminded you're getting old in the middle of a crisis at the Baskin Robbins.
-- Erin Burr, sir (@erinscafe) April 18, 2018

**Surely the Baskin Robbins lady knew what phone books are, though, right?**

I finally calm down. She looks up the school's number for me. I call to let them know I'll be there as soon as I can. I call AAA. They tell me the locksmith will call when he arrives. I tell them okay, but this is Baskin Robbins so they won't care.
-- Erin Burr, sir (@erinscafe) April 18, 2018

I go back to my house. My creepy neighbors are still being arrested. Animal Control has arrived for that sweet puppy. I go sit on my porch and finish my Diet Coke.
-- Erin Burr, sir (@erinscafe) April 18, 2018

The AAA guy shows up. I tell him to park in my driveway, the car's out back. And he says "well how can I tow it if it's in the back." And I'm like "uh, you don't, I just need you to unlock it." And he's like "I'm here to tow." And I'm like "no you aren't goddammit"
-- Erin Burr, sir (@erinscafe) April 18, 2018

And then I realize. "Wait did the police call you?" And he said yeah, Glendale PD. And I was like omfg you're here to impound my neighbor's car, ugh, go to the alley and look for all the cops.
-- Erin Burr, sir (@erinscafe) April 18, 2018

My AAA guy finally shows up. He says "what's with all the cops" and I'm like "yeah, weird day" and he's like "no kidding, I got called to tow a car earlier and there were three bodies in it" and I was like "OKAY FINE YOU WIN."
-- Erin Burr, sir (@erinscafe) April 18, 2018

He opens my car. I grab my phone and call the school to make sure everything's good. AAA guy leaves out the front. I'm finishing up on the phone and he comes running back because he left a tool in my car. We walk back to the alley, just as a dozen police officers come walking in.
-- Erin Burr, sir (@erinscafe) April 18, 2018

AAA guy looks at me and says, "actually, I think you win this one."
-- Erin Burr, sir (@erinscafe) April 18, 2018

One of the detectives says, "sorry, we'll be out of your hair in a minute. Did you get your car unlocked?"

I'm like "...

....

...

yes"
-- Erin Burr, sir (@erinscafe) April 18, 2018

Another one of the detectives waves and I do a double-take because I have definitely seen this man several times over the past two weeks while walking the dogs and both of us have done the polite nod and smile.
-- Erin Burr, sir (@erinscafe) April 18, 2018

Finally, things start to make a LITTLE sense:

And then it hits me. Two of the unmarked cars were parked in front of the house off and on for the past two weeks and I was so angry because that's my spot and I couldn't figure out who was taking it and it turns out WE'VE ALL BEEN UNDER POLICE SURVEILLANCE FOR TWO WEEKS.
-- Erin Burr, sir (@erinscafe) April 18, 2018

Like, these detectives were probably watching me lock my keys in the car and lose my shit and thinking "lol, classic Scafe" because they have been watching me for weeks.
-- Erin Burr, sir (@erinscafe) April 18, 2018

The first detective asks me a few questions, asks what names the creepy neighbors gave me. I tell him and he laughs. I'm like, uh, okay.

I'm still not sure if that means the names were real or fake.
-- Erin Burr, sir (@erinscafe) April 18, 2018

They move the police cars. I pick up the kids an hour late. I call all the friends to be like OH MY GOD CREEPY NEIGHBORS GOT ARRESTED AND ALSO WE MAY BE GUEST STARS ON SOME POLICE SURVEILLANCE FOOTAGE.
-- Erin Burr, sir (@erinscafe) April 18, 2018

When I get home, one of my friends has the details. Creepy neighbors were running a gas gift card scam. I won't pretend to understand how that works. But the cops have been trying to catch them for months. The dude has been extradited to Colorado.
-- Erin Burr, sir (@erinscafe) April 18, 2018

The woman will probably get out on bail. Since they didn't sign a lease, the detective said the person on the actual lease could authorize us to go in and pack up their stuff and change the locks.

I immediately yell "I'LL DO IT" because I don't want creepy neighbors.
-- Erin Burr, sir (@erinscafe) April 18, 2018

So the friends and I text the leaseholder for permission and go through a window, because it's not breaking and entering when it's an emergency.

And omg you guys.
-- Erin Burr, sir (@erinscafe) April 18, 2018

Omg WHAT. What did you find in there, twitter person?

First of all, those cops tossed the shit out if that place.

Secondly, meth is a helluva drug.
-- Erin Burr, sir (@erinscafe) April 18, 2018

Go on...

We packed all the shit up. Designer clothes with the tags still on. Hundreds of losing scratch tickets. A lot of pipes.

Like, a lot of pipes. There were only two people, how many pipes do you need.
-- Erin Burr, sir (@erinscafe) April 18, 2018

A bunch of organic food and articles about getting fit which seems super weird because the first step is probably STOP DOING METH.

Goonies on DVD. Brand new shoes. To do lists, which literally included crimes.

I am not joking.
-- Erin Burr, sir (@erinscafe) April 18, 2018

The couch had a huge hole burned in it. There were joints in the bedsheets. And lots of containers of bubbles.

Idek what that's about.
-- Erin Burr, sir (@erinscafe) April 18, 2018

And a box of baseball cards. Like, legit Topps 1988 baseball cards. And I thought, fuck, this is the one real thing they have. This dude is running from the law but he's carrying around his childhood baseball cards. And I thought, that's the saddest fucking thing I've ever seen.
-- Erin Burr, sir (@erinscafe) April 18, 2018

Until my friend says "did you see this."

And it's a wooden box. With the woman's mom's ashes.

So, I guess I know her name was real.
-- Erin Burr, sir (@erinscafe) April 18, 2018

I mean, fuck.

Meth is a helluva drug.
-- Erin Burr, sir (@erinscafe) April 18, 2018

Most definitely worth stating twice.

So we carefully wrapped it up. Gathered up about $10 in loose change. Put it with all the rest of the stuff in bags and boxes on the porch. And we changed the locks.

I hope she comes back to get it. I hope I'm here so I can ask her if she needs a ticket to somewhere.
-- Erin Burr, sir (@erinscafe) April 18, 2018

But no way in hell am I letting her back in. Because, while we're cleaning out the house, I found some desk organizer trays I had bought. And one of my plates. And a couple of my cups.

Meth heads definitely stepped in dog shit in my house while stealing some dollar store shit.
-- Erin Burr, sir (@erinscafe) April 18, 2018

Finally, closure on the dog shit mystery. Not a clumsy ghost after all.

The moral of the story here is threefold:

Sometimes it's good to lock your doors.

Always act like you're under police surveillance, because maybe you are.

Don't do meth. It'll fuck your life up.
-- Erin Burr, sir (@erinscafe) April 18, 2018

Also, there's a husky puppy named Ryley at the Pasadena Humane Society. He's a sweet hot mess of a dog.

Someone should go find him, and take him home.

The end.
-- Erin Burr, sir (@erinscafe) April 18, 2018