13 Tweets That Will Improve Your Life, Not A Lot, But Still

الاثنين، 25 يونيو 2018

13 Tweets That Will Improve Your Life, Not A Lot, But Still

1. The Fly sequel we DESERVED.

JURASSIC PARK SEQUEL IDEA:

3 Million AD.

The humans are extinct.

The dino-scientists find mosquitoes with human blood.

Guess who they clone...

Jeff. Fucking. Goldblum.

They mix up the mosquito DNA with Goldblum's.

Surprise assholes.

This is now a sequel to The Fly.
-- JR (@JRDRD) June 21, 2018

2. You're not an ANIMAL.

my most professional quality is that I always switch from my work laptop to my personal one to watch porn
-- Brandy Jensen (@BrandyLJensen) June 21, 2018

3. You don't have to be high to see this very obvious thing.

[bong rip]

[exhale]

lobsters made a deal with the devil for conditional immortality and it backfired on them. you cannot change my mind
-- labcoat lesbian @ NYC Pride + AC (@JUNIUS_64) June 21, 2018

4. Minus the cool underwater level soundtracks.

2018 is a fuckin underwater level
-- Julian Glander (@glanderco) June 21, 2018

5. Melania, what are you trying to tell us?

Melania confounds everyone again by wearing one of those jackets with all the NBA logos on it pic.twitter.com/ueJZJ6B7Cc
-- Dan Hopper (@DanHopp) June 22, 2018

6. Congrats, Piss.

I am excited to announce that I now have a wife pic.twitter.com/C4lqbPmxZf
-- Nick Ciarelli (@nickciarelli) June 21, 2018

7. Take that, crystal meth.

You're darn right I abuse drugs. I see a drug, I punch the crap out of it. Get lost, drugs.
-- Mark Magark (@markedly) May 3, 2016

8. People need to remember that 95% of humans do not know the entirety of Simpsons 5,000 episodes.

I have a rare birth defect that prevents me from immediately associating every single current event with a Simpsons reference
-- Paul F. Tompkins (@PFTompkins) June 22, 2018

9. Valid. She should only have the exact amount of gas it takes to get to and fro your house.

If her gas tank is full she's cheating. Why tf she need to be able to drive 500 miles away
-- 哦 (@neonwario) June 22, 2018

10. Damn I gotta find some on Spotify.

uk rappers be like she suck on my willy it's quite delightful if i catch you in west gloucestershire you'll catch the rifle
-- Ahmed (@screwslooseaf) June 21, 2018

11. Who wants to FUCK n then DIE

Me: Im a very private person you need to really know me before I actually open up

Me to hundreds of strangers online: anyway I'm HORNY and SUICIDAL
-- luisa 🇧🇷 (@666bitchcraft) December 7, 2017

12. Brought a tear to my eye.

A very short love story:
A few years ago, I met a guy at a party. We hit it off & exchanged numbers.
He texted: How are you?
Me: Good, how's your butt?
Him: Don't talk about my butt
Me: Haha really?
Him: Really, that's messed up
Me: OK
We never talked again.
-- Lynn Bixenspan (@lynnbixenspan) June 21, 2018