1. There is no easy way to sneak a bite.
All of America can hear you trying to open this at midnight pic.twitter.com/l8E9LSZ8bi
-- ᴘᴇᴛᴇʀ (@OkigboXL) July 12, 2018
2. Great life advice.
Practice self-care like vampires: sleep all day, eat all night & outlive everyone who has ever loved you.
-- Doth (@DothTheDoth) July 12, 2018
3. All about the pit locations.
In summer, I drive with hands at 11 and 1 so the air conditioner vents point directly at my armpits.
-- Marl (@Marlebean) May 29, 2017
4. You've just opened up a 30 minute long can of worms.
*Gets in taxi*
-- Amanda (@Pandamoanimum) July 13, 2018
Brain:
Don't say it.
Don't say it.
Don't say it.
Don't say it.
Don't say it.
Don't say it.
Don't say it.
Don't say it.
Don't say it.
Don't say it.
Don't say it.
Don't say it.
Mouth: Been busy tonight, mate?
Brain: WHAT DID I JUST FUCKING TELL YOU?!
5. Damn that Socrates is a dumb shit.
SOCRATES: The only thing I know is that I know nothing.
-- MehGyver (@AndrewNadeau0) March 29, 2018
ME: Aw, hey, don't say that. You know things.
SOCRATES: No, I meant--
ME: If you want I can teach you some stuff.
SOCRATES:
ME:
SOCRATES:
ME: *Points* That's a tree.
6. I'm nOT WaCky YOUR waCKy.
This inflatable tube man looks like a drunk guy trying to act like he's not drunk pic.twitter.com/48HrjS3wmz
-- pat tobin (@tastefactory) July 12, 2018
7. Mugger with a heart of gold.
[getting mugged in alleyway]
-- decent pigeon (@decentbirthday) March 30, 2018
mugger: *steals drugs from my pocket*
me: what do you want?!?!
mugger: *throws drugs in dumpster* what's best for you
8. And I can see why.
Removing Drakes teeth in my new favorite thing pic.twitter.com/UpkScRXsN9
-- Boog (@BoogTweets) July 13, 2018
9. Damn, truly.
u ever drink water rlly intensely n it's dripping down ur chin n shit but ur lettin it and in that moment u really and truly are a dirty slut for water
-- bad lil kitty (@Karalela) July 12, 2018
10. It simply cannot be this simple.
*watching any crime show*
-- Spence (@SpenceDen) July 13, 2018
He didn't do it. There's too much time left.
11. July 20th: Samatha transferred Mary 2 tity.
i wish girls who want boob jobs and girls who want boob reductions could just like. venmo each other some tity.
-- harry styles' plaid flare gucci pants (@hellakyra) July 11, 2018
12. Nephew of the year.
Yesterday I told my nephew Im not allowed to eat popsicles (bcuz my sis doesn't want him eating junk & he copies me)
-- Jake (@Jverhulst123) July 12, 2018
So he pulls me into the bathroom, slams the door, and whispers: "ssshhhh I got us both popsicles but we need to eat them in here so my mom doesn't find out" 😂 pic.twitter.com/v9yFAWt3pJ
from CollegeHumor: Pictures https://ift.tt/2urWqot
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