13 Perfect Tweets That Will Lift You Higher and Higher

الثلاثاء، 7 أغسطس 2018

13 Perfect Tweets That Will Lift You Higher and Higher

Twitter can be a rough place - there's lots of harrassment, Nazis, threats, and general arguing and drama that you find in most places online. But also? Some pretty funny people, making some pretty funny tweets. Here are some of the best ones lately:

1. I'm just a duckin' loser.

I will never be as successful as this small duck pic.twitter.com/T8XwbSr4nZ
-- Amy Schwartz (@lizardschwartz) August 4, 2018

2. Future dream life: "I wish I had a hammock and literally nothing else."

kid dream life: I'm gonna be a famous artist and I'm gonna invent new pokemon and I'm going to travel around the world but live in japan and also I have a pet wolf
present day dream life: i wish i had a small garden and that nobody talked to me ever
-- Rae Geiger 💀🌈✨ (@gullshriek) August 7, 2018

3. So THAT'S why clams are so happy...

FRIEND: hey how are you?

ME: I'm as happy as a clam

[CUT TO]

CLAM: *being cracked in half to make some mermaid's bra* fukkkk yeeeeaaaahhhhhh BOOBS
-- Rads (@FeelingEuphoric) August 5, 2018

4. Ray J's hat does not follow the laws of physics, and I respect that.

ARE WE GOING TO IGNORE THE FACT THAT RAY J's HAT MOVED LIKED 2,000 TIMES IN LIKE 10 SECONDS!!!! 😂😂🤣 pic.twitter.com/IcoAPmAv2q
-- Rawri (@Rawshaud) August 7, 2018

5. Repressing everything and ignoring all of your problems is a LOT easier for me right now, soooo...

therapy
- expensive
- months to years of hard work
- emotionally draining

"it be like that sometimes"
- free
- immediately super effective
- emotionally healing
-- jaboukie young-white (@jaboukie) August 6, 2018

6. Honestly I would do anything for a 1 in 20 chance at doing anything that mattered.

D&D allows players to live out crazy fantasies like
a) rewards that correlate with risks and effort
b) actions that feel like they matter in the grand scheme
c) upward mobility
d) purpose
-- Memes be Dreams (@whimsicaldumpin) August 5, 2018

7. This sounds like my exact idea of Hell, and I like both of these shows.

You can just get a divorce. pic.twitter.com/YjbAq30cXB
-- Evan DeSimone (@Smorgasboredom) August 4, 2018

8. A smart ghost would exclusively haunt a Taco Bell

ghost: ooooooo i'm here to haunt your library

librarian: good, we could use another on this committee

ghost: wait what

librarian: here's an agenda

ghost: but i

librarian: we meet every tuesday at 2

ghost: no

librarian: can you bring snacks? btw robin is vegan

ghost: noooo
-- Andy🤔 (@wawoodworth) August 6, 2018

9. I know I shouldn't WANT to eat it, but....well, here we are.

why he look like a hot fudge sundae pic.twitter.com/vUQzQX7pnr
-- alcoholic shitpost bot (@cranberries) August 5, 2018

10. "Spit in this hole" - Luigi

What the fuck is happening in Mario Golf? pic.twitter.com/4OF2NX8mHF
-- David Barker (@david_s_barker) August 6, 2018

11. I'm sorry but I refuse to pay $20 to get drunk at a wedding.

[wedding]

"Anyone know why these two should not be joined in marriage?"

Me: (from the back) THEY'RE DOING A CASH BAR!!

*priest drops bible*
-- Dallas Ann (@miss_knierman) August 4, 2018

12. I'm glad I'm not named Luke, because I would have thought the exact same thing.

My friend Luke didn't realise until he was an adult that lukewarm was a real temperature, he thought it was just a term his mum used to describe his bath water.
-- Adam Melia (@Adam__Melia) August 5, 2018