13 Beautiful Tweets That'll Raise You Up So You Can Stand on Mountains

الجمعة، 17 أغسطس 2018

13 Beautiful Tweets That'll Raise You Up So You Can Stand on Mountains

It's time for you to treat yourself to something really special: like all of these hilarious Tweets curated especially for you.

They may not be able to bring your beloved hamster back after he got stuck in one of those plastic tubes for 24 hours, but they will put a smile on your face and possibly even give you an audible chuckle.

And there ain't nothing better than an audible chuckle, my friend.

1. Fuck you, bananas.

Banana: I'm not ripe yet
Banana: I'm not ripe yet
Banana: I'm not ripe yet
Banana, whispering at 3am in the morning: i'm r i p e
Banana at 8am that morning: HAHAHA I'M ROTTEN BOOOOOOOOY, WELCOME TO BROWN TOWN.
-- Kwame Mbalia and Tristan Strong 💪🏿 (@KSekouM) August 9, 2018

2. You can now kiss the superhero.

[wedding reception]
BEST MAN: *making a toast* please raise your glasses
CLARK KENT: oh no
-- FROVO (@fro_vo) January 5, 2018

3. Sorry Timmy, this is going straight into the garbage were it belongs.

[son hands me a picture he painted]
Me: what's that
Son: it's our house
Me [walks outside with son]: do you see how it absolutely isn't?
-- David Hughes (@david8hughes) August 31, 2017

4. Now I can't get this sound out of my head, goddammit.

therapist: do any sounds annoy you
me: real sounds or imaginary sounds
therapist: [curious] lets say imaginary
me: spider wearing flip flops
-- k e i t h 🐤🥔 (@KeetPotato) January 24, 2017

5. All dogs go to heaven.

[God creating dogs]

Oh these turned out great. Im going to want all of these back at some point
-- Ygrene (@Ygrene) March 31, 2016

6. This is what you call a keeper.

I went to the bars without my boyfriend last night and instead of receiving texts with attitude from him, I received a Venmo notification for an uber & some chicken nuggets

My drunk self looked at guy engagement rings for 30 minutes b/c I was so ready to propose to him
-- mikayla (@Mikeeetaa) August 12, 2018

7. We love you like crazy, but you have a problem.

*teacher sees students sharing a note*

Teacher: why don't you read that out loud

Student: [reading note] Dear teacher, this is an intervention. Your methods of discipline via public humiliation are uninspired carbon copies of Hollywood tropes. We wrote this letter as a class...
-- Omar Najam➡️🇵🇷⬅️ (@OmarNajam) August 12, 2018

8. Got every chef in here wishin'.

Waiter: Did we decide?

Date: Yes, I'd like the Sirloin. Medium rare.

Me: And I'd like the Remix to Ignition. Hot & fresh out the kitchen.
-- Jess [ham] ☂️ (@thejessbess) February 12, 2013

9. Water: now lightly scented.

new lacroix flavors!
-transported in a truck near bananas
-hint of hint of lime
-single skittle dissolved in water
-shy watermelon
-imagine like, a strawberry but with low battery
-- Pitch (@pitchjokes) June 13, 2018

10. Your son is on to something, my dude.

My 13 y.o. son told me that when he hits 99 pounds, he wants to eat one pound of nachos on his own so he can be 1% nacho.
-- David Juurlink (@DavidJuurlink) August 12, 2018

11. They put these senior citizens on blast.

Kelsey's students were supposed to write cards to the nursing home and ... THESE ARE SO BAD BUT FUNNY pic.twitter.com/AFk4CzFKi8
-- Callan Cloonan (@Get_a_Cloo) June 27, 2018

12. Sorry grandpa, but your spidey sense is tingling.

my grandpa got bitten by a spider and he was really upset so i went to get some cream but before i could leave the room i heard him say "at this age i can't handle the responsibility of being a spiderman"
-- Jerry (@Jerrypleasure) August 9, 2018