14 Valentine's Day Tweets That Are Our Valentine to You

الأربعاء، 14 فبراير 2018

14 Valentine's Day Tweets That Are Our Valentine to You

1. Nobody knows me and my weird porn habits better

Hope my FBI agent sends me something for Valentine's Day
-- eliz (@prncessmermaid) February 13, 2018

2. Just know whatever happens can't be much worse than that!

Happy Valentine's Day Eve! I just want everyone to know that one time in college I tried to search for my crush on Facebook, accidentally made his name my status, and then my phone died.
-- Lauren Duca (@laurenduca) February 13, 2018

3. Not jealous, you're all dating ogres

me staying strong on valentine's day while y'all post photos of your ugly boyfriends pic.twitter.com/a28gZkyH5I
-- AMANDA ROSS (@itsamandaross) February 13, 2018

4. This is the way to play the game

I am so excited for Valentine's Day bc I work and I'm gonna tell all my customers that my "boyfriend dumped me" so I "decided to cover another girl's shift" and I'm gonna get so many pity tips
-- ellie (@holy_schnitt) February 13, 2018

5. It's not gonna work unless you have some

[movie date]

me: i snuck in some snacks

her: omg!!

me: *clutching ramen noodles* do you have any boiling water
-- cory (@_coryrichardson) December 18, 2017

6. but only because i SLAY ALL DAY

me: I'm spending Valentine's Day ALONE bc I am CAPABLE of being fulfilled on my OWN!
bf: Are we ok?
me: Hope that's a royal 'we' bc I am A QUEEN!!
bf: ...
me: also will u buy me flowers
bf: *sigh* yes
-- Karen Chee (@karencheee) February 13, 2018

7. I knew it would happen today, I just knew it

me: *gets down on one knee*

girlfriend: omg, it's finally happening

me: *falls over*

girlfriend: the poison is kicking in
-- cory (@_coryrichardson) January 31, 2018

8. Wowza now these I can get into

SEX POSITIONS TO TRY THIS VALENTINE'S DAY 2018:

* CINCINNATI TWO GUYS CARRYING A PANE OF GLASS AND YOU FUCK THROUGH IT
* PRETENDING YOU HAVE BEEN POSSESSED BY THE GHOST OF THEIR LONG LOST LOVER
* JUST ASKING WHAT THE OTHER PERSON LIKES AND DOING IT
* WILSON FROM HOME IMPROVEMENT
-- Mike Drucker (@MikeDrucker) February 13, 2018

9. If that's the case, brother, she ain't the one

Imagine meeting the girl of your dreams, then finding out she doesn't have "Everything Happens For A Reason" tattooed on her somewhere in cursive
-- Michael (@mbacco) February 10, 2018

10. Go Eagles, eh?

[noticing that the girl i'm talking to at the bar is wearing a ring] I see you've won a super bowl
-- the hippo account (@InternetHippo) January 29, 2018

11. Hangin at the ollllllll stompin grounds

Friends: Were you going on Valentine's Day
Me: You will find me right here pic.twitter.com/g0Jqa08upe
-- Genetic Zesul TDA 🇦🇶 (@GeneticZesul) February 13, 2018

12. Maybe second date we can kick a news anchor

[goats on first date]
goat: so I was thinking we could go climb up something then eat garbage
goat: sounds good
-- Grant Tanaka (@GrantTanaka) February 12, 2018

13. That's just out of your control, and that is OK

Don't let the fact that you're single and Valentine's Day is coming up put you in a depressed mood. It's not your fault you're ugly, you have nothing to bring to the table and no one wants to be with you because you're so dull & boring
-- Zach Svobodny (@ZachSvobodny) February 8, 2018