1. Two birds one stone - eat dinner, send a dick pic
Had my phone out under the dinner table and my gran shouts out "you better no be taking pictures of your willy" aye nae bother gran that's exactly what I was doing
-- RossBarclay (@RossBaarclay) December 25, 2017
2. Communication is the key to any good relationship
Pffffft what'd a do to deserve him, he's so romantic 😍👏🏽😍👏🏽 keeper x pic.twitter.com/duC2OupCRX
-- jayde davidson (@jayde96x) January 29, 2018
3. Because of your father this household is going without the weather
Ma da had to sleep on the couch last night cos my maw found out he'd googled the BBC Scotland weatherwoman.
-- Marc Jennings (@MarcJennings90) February 1, 2018
4. Could do a quick barter
Put two sweeteners in my coffee, a normal amount in my opinion, and some woman goes 'do you want some coffee with your sweetener'. I don't know Janet would like a heedbut with that patter
-- Ben Wilson (@bennwilsonn96) January 23, 2018
5. Truth hurts
Bird at work was born on a leap year and said she's actually only 8 so I called her husband a peedo and she's put a complaint in
-- Flanny™ (@LiamFlannigan1) November 10, 2017
6. Walking is hard work, gotta fuel up
Ma Dad said he was away to walk the dug and av just got a Snapchat eh him sitting in the pub wi the dug hahahahaha pic.twitter.com/0ykGEXjfl4
-- JayMalcolm (@JayMalcolm96) January 26, 2018
7. In awe at the size of this lad. Absolute unit
Imagine carrying a baby in your womb for nine months, birthing it, feeding and loving it for it to grow up and get its heed kicked in by me for nae reason other than the fact am fuckin solid
-- Darren Fox (@MrFox13) January 11, 2018
8. C'mon things could be worse that's a top tier app to wake up as
Shouldn't be allowed tae eat toast in bed man, heavy rollin abt in crumbs gonny wake up lit a mozzarella dipper the mawra
-- Cameron moir (@_cameronmoir) January 8, 2018
9. Honesty is not always the best policy
Well that's one way of no selling your car hahahaha pic.twitter.com/ByP3DL1zbo
-- Jay Cook (@jaycook26) January 10, 2018
10. This is just like Trainspotting all over again
house currently in uproar as it would seem the dug's back on the gear. mum's in tears, we're all worried sick pic.twitter.com/UHIR9M7yOn
-- chief keef is three hundred years old (@garybannon_) February 6, 2018
11. Close enough to a bone
Honestly could not make it up my fkn dogs found a fkn dildo while we r out a walk n won't leave it alone 🤮🤮🤮 am gonny be sick pic.twitter.com/TLoFOVYAaX
-- Sophie McGrattan (@__smcgrattan) January 18, 2018
12. W A S T E D
Canny believe this wee cunt from my work turned up to my gaff with these for a pre bev at 6 n stanked the 70cl straight claiming he would be fine then the second photos him at half 8😂😂😂 pic.twitter.com/lHL4cNXM4e
-- ali🗯 (@Alic0ban) January 20, 2018
13. Don't act like the boys aren't waiting with bated breath on Debra intel
Is it just ma maw that tells me some ae her gossip and then says "dinny you go telling anyone that." As if am gonnae be cutting about telling aw ma pals big Debra up the road could be getting the wains taken aff her
-- James Kane (@JamesKan_) January 10, 2018
14. Neither happy nor go-lucky
via naevaypal
from CollegeHumor: Pictures http://ift.tt/2o0lX4c
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