If you've ever gone on a Tinder date so awkward, bad, or embarrassing that it keeps you up at night - I'm happy to announce to you that NOTHING that you've experienced could possibly hold a candle to this acrobatic, poop-centric, firemen-filled date you are about to read about.
I recently took a girl I met on tinder to Nandos. We had a lovely evening, and enjoyed each others company very much. After our meal, we repaired back to my house for a bottle of wine and a scientology doccumentary.
About an hour in to Louis Theroux and chill, my date got up to use the toilet. She returned with a panicked look in her eye, and told me she had something to tell me.
"I went for a poo in your toilet", she told me "and it would not flush. I don't know why I did this, but I panicked", she continued "I reached into the toilet bowl, wrapped it in tissue paper, and threw it out of the window".
Sometimes you poop and toilets don't flush. I don't fault this date's ingenuity for trying to quietly handle this sticky predicament out the window.
HOWEVER. The fact that she returned and spilled ALL THE BEANS on what just happened is A HUUUUGE NO-NO. I understand honesty is the best policy, but NOT when you have just pooped out the window of a Tinder date's home. Literally and figuritively: keep that shit to yourself!
I was understandably concerned, and told her we would go outside, bag up the offending poo in the garden, bin it, and pretend the whole sorry affair had never happened. Unfortunately, owing to a design quirk of my house, the toilet window does not in fact open to the garden, but instead into a narrow gap of about a foot and a half, seperated from the outside world by another (non-opening) double glazed window. It was into this twilight zone that my date had thrown her poo.
Yikes, ok. So rather than this poop/tissue burrito being tossed into the garden and fertilizing sweet Mother Earth, anonymous lady's turd got gobbled up in a bizarre little gap between two windows leading outside.
The unfortunate but necessary course of action here is smashing the windows, tossing the poo, and stopping the bleeding of this nightmare, right? Wrong.
Being an amateur gymnast, she was convinced that she could reach into the window and pull the poo out, using the tried and tested "inside out blag as glove" technique. Unfortunately she couldn't reach. She climbed further in and had the same problem. Eventually I agreed to give her a boost up and into the window. She climbed in head first after her own turd, reached deeper into the window, bagged it up, and passed it out, over the top and back into the toilet from whence it came. She called out to me to help her climb out from the window, I grabbed her waist and I pulled. But she was stuck. Stuck fast. Try as we might, we could not remove her from the window. She was stuck fast, upside down in the gap.
You gotta respect going the whole nine yards to try to fix an embarrassing situation that you created. Unfortunately, in this instance, going those nine yards made everything much worse.
Unfortunately for my date, at this stage I could see only one way out of our predicament. She had been upside down in the window for around 15 minutes at this point, and I was starting to grow concerned for her health. I called the fire brigade.
Bristol's finest were on scene sirens blairing in a matter of minutes. Once they had composed themselves after surveying the scene in front of them, they set to work removing my date from the window using all of their special firemen hammers and tools. It took them about 15 minutes. Here is a picture of them working:
It just doesn't get much worse than this. A good indicator your date isn't going well is if you are dangling headfirst in a poop chamber, getting saved by firemen trying their best to stifle their laughter.
How did we hear of this sprawling date epic, you ask? Well in saving this poor girl from the window the firemen had to destroy the windows, leading the homeowner to create a GoFundMe page titled, "Replacement window" where the whole story is recounted in grand detail.
Since the GoFundMe goal has been reached, all additional proceeds are being donated to one of two charities: toilet twinning, or The Fire Fighters Charity.
All things considered, it seems like both parties handled this pretty coolly. Posting about this anonymously is a great sign they're at least able to laugh at it.
I for one, am rooting for their courtship. There isn't a much better first date story to tell your kids than this.
from CollegeHumor: Pictures http://ift.tt/2f1oirZ
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