1.
I'm supposed to love my neighbor the way I love myself, so now I compulsively overfeed her and lie awake at night fearing she's worthless
-- REW (@therealeatwood) January 16, 2016
2.
I realized taking dogs for walks is basically their way of checking social media. One lap of smells is a newsfeed scroll. Peeing is posting.
-- Aparna Nancherla (@aparnapkin) February 3, 2017
3.
If a pay $10 for a house party I'm using y'all washer/dryer machine, bedroom, and I'm spending the night
-- 🤷🏾♂️ (@Nekkohbk) December 10, 2016
4.
My favorite thing is Alex Trebek talking to the contestants and imagining them denying everything
-- cory snearowski (@corysnearowski) January 25, 2017
5.
America sure is having some bad luck. It's almost like it was built on an ancient Indian burial ground.
-- Bea_ker (@bea_ker) December 10, 2016
6.
The great thing about forgetting people you hate is that when you remember them it's like hating them for the very first time.
-- Nina Bargiel (@slackmistress) October 26, 2016
7.
It's always funny when babies don't like someone cuz they barely know how to eat but can fully know "nah fuck this dude"
-- Ryan Creamer (@ryguyguyry) November 24, 2016
8.
[7am]
-- ⓛⓐⓜⓔ ᗪᗩᗪ (@jergarl) October 12, 2016
*drinks 19 cups of coffee for work
*can't stay awake
[9pm]
*takes a sip of coffee
[2am]
I should vacuum the dog
9.
My wife looking gorgeous tonight http://pic.twitter.com/tuQAxZwtVL
-- Conner O'Malley (@conner_omalley) February 9, 2017
10.
what if condoms had temporary tattoos on the inside like you rolled off the condom and there was a picture of a dinosaur on your dick
-- what (@chanelpuke) March 6, 2013
11.
I had a darth maul inflatable chair in my dorm room but I had to sell it bc I was getting my dick sucked too frequently
-- Nick Wiger (@nickwiger) February 7, 2017
12.
girl on twitter: I love when people hang easter eggs in trees! cute
-- erica (@hairicaaa) March 27, 2016
[6 hrs pass]
guy: hey http://pic.twitter.com/WliqRjOkO9
from CollegeHumor: Pictures http://ift.tt/2kYdqPM
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