1.
Remember when calling someone on the phone wasn't the rudest, most bothersome thing you could do to them?
-- Ben Schwartz (@rejectedjokes) September 25, 2014
2.
Dentist- "You have to wear a mouth guard because you grind too hard." Me- "On the dance floor?" Dentist- "No. What are you talking about?"
-- Ben Schwartz (@rejectedjokes) July 21, 2016
3.
Every day I live in fear that a woman will come up to me and "really really really wanna zig-a-zig-ah" and I'll have no idea what to do.
-- Ben Schwartz (@rejectedjokes) June 17, 2015
4.
I can't fall asleep in LA until I hear the gentle humming of helicopters circling for hours looking for criminals. I call it LA's lullaby.
-- Ben Schwartz (@rejectedjokes) May 17, 2016
5.
No one is better at pretending they didn't fall asleep than dads.
-- Ben Schwartz (@rejectedjokes) December 29, 2015
6.
R. Kelly- "Go head and break em off with a little preview of the remix." (Plays whole song.)
-- Ben Schwartz (@rejectedjokes) July 23, 2016
7.
Hey @Lin_Manuel, I hate to do this but I'm in a jam...do you have a Pulitzer I could borrow? I swear I'll pay you back.
-- Ben Schwartz (@rejectedjokes) April 19, 2016
8.
The baddest motherf'er I've ever seen is the Hamburglar. That dude wears his prison clothes IN PUBLIC, just daring the police to arrest him.
-- Ben Schwartz (@rejectedjokes) March 24, 2015
9.
I feel like I spend more time with those three dots telling me you are texting than I do with you.
-- Ben Schwartz (@rejectedjokes) April 29, 2015
10.
I assume having a great body feels like you are wearing really cool clothes everyday.
-- Ben Schwartz (@rejectedjokes) March 29, 2015
11.
Dimming the lights was the original Instagram filter.
-- Ben Schwartz (@rejectedjokes) February 24, 2015
12.
The cool part was that a character could go twice as high as a butterfly in the sky? You Reading Rainbow kids are reading boring books.
-- Ben Schwartz (@rejectedjokes) September 20, 2016
13.
I saw a guy buy a Playboy right before getting on the plane at 7am this morning. I'm confused what the next steps of this are.
-- Ben Schwartz (@rejectedjokes) September 19, 2016
14.
I've never looked in the mirror and said "Looking good today." But I have said "Whatever", "It is what it is" & "That'll do pig" many times.
-- Ben Schwartz (@rejectedjokes) September 27, 2016
from CollegeHumor: Pictures http://ift.tt/2dGUQ9s
0 التعليقات: