10 George Carlin Jokes That Never Stopped Being Funny as F*ck

On June 22nd, 2008 the world lost one of its all time great truth tellers, a crank par excellence, and a comedic influence whose boundary-pushing style forever changed the artform of standup comedy. After a lifetime of battling heart disease George Carlin succumbed to a heart attack a week after his last performance, and his ashes were scattered in various New York City nightclubs where his incendiary act had been honed.

In celebration of the man's legendary wit, and in begrudging affirmation that a lot of his complaints are as true as ever, here's 10 George Carlin jokes that still pack a punch:

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BONUS!

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13 Of The Most Satisfying Times People Caught Someone In A Lie

Why some people are blatant compulsive liars is beyond me. Surely these idiots know they're gonna get caught sooner or later, right? Well these 13 liars were and we have the extremely satisfying tales on what went down.

1. The people that try to sue in these scenarios are absolutely insane.

I used to work at a grocery store. One of my coworkers was constantly calling in sick, claiming she had one illness or another. Management couldn't just can her for it as it was a union shop, so she had protection unless she could be caught in a bald faced and indefensible lie. One Friday I get called in to cover her shift because she called in claiming she was very sick and needed a kidney transplant. On her next shift on Monday she's wandering around with gauze wrapped around her stomach and back claiming that she had that kidney transplant on the weekend. That she had been so sick that they rushed her into surgery and put her at the top of the transplant list! When she does it to me I stop her and say "Isn't the recovery time on a transplant at least a month or two? The hospital shouldn't have let you out." Realizing I've caught her in a lie she rushes to the front desk, claims she shouldn't be here and that she needs to go home or she'll pop her surgery stitches. A few days later she was fired when she couldn't provide proof of the surgery, she tried to sue but no lawyer would take her case. It was hilarious.

via Iokuas / Reddit.com

2. This mom went out and bought an eyepatch for this ruse.

I work at a daycare. If a child is sick they will be sent home cause we don't want to risk infecting the whole class (generally happens anyway). 

A lot parents don't agree with this policy which leads to parents arguing with us that their kid isn't sick when they obviously are.

My favorite time this happen was when a mother dropped her little boy off in an eye patch. Yep the toddler was wearing a damn eye patch. I ask what happened and she says he hit his eye or something. Which I didn't really believe.

She says whatever I do don't take off his eye patch. I pick him up and immediately lift up his eye patch.... pink eye. She was sooooo pissed at me for doing that. And she was shocked I did it. 

The look on her face was so satisfying. Although I got yelled at by my supervisor for it.

via  mommysababy  / Reddit.com

3. Please continue, but do his voice if you could.

Wasn't me, but a professor caught a student plagiarizing an essay... as she was reading it aloud to the class. 

"That's an excellent essay by my friend, Dr._____ you're reading. Please keep reading it until the end." 

He made her stand infront of us and kept going until "her presentation" was over.

via bbbberlin  / Reddit.com

4. My Olympian can also time travel.

Oohhh boy. So in college I had this friend who was a very good pole vaulter. Seriously, one of the top in the state for his division. This was back in 2008. He tells ALL of his family, and friends, and even his boss that he was recruited to compete in the Beijing olymipcs. Well his close friends, including myself already call bullshit but when the "day" comes he is nowhere to be found. In fact, we didnt see him for a couple of days, and he started texting pics from Beijing. So we were doubting ourselves a bit. Then we were driving along the freeway, and guess whos broken down on the side of the road like 2 days after he left? Mr olympian! When we pulled over the look on his face was priceless. He stood by his story too, and said because of the time difference he already went and came back. Haha he's a fucking idiot. I still dont know what he had to gain from such an elaborate bullshit story.

via snukebox_hero   / Reddit.com

5. Catching a boss lying is extra satisfying.

I travel for work. I 90% of the time park in economy at the airport (I think $14 per day). about a 10 to 15 min walk. A few times out of necessity to catch a flight I park in the garage (I think $24 per day, 5 min walk). Usually 2 to 3 day trips, not a huge expense. 

My boss suggests I park in Off Site Shuttle parking (about $11 a day, but a pain in the ass as you need a bunch more time to plan for the shuttle). He said he does it, because it is cheaper for the company (which he owns). 

One day while walking through the garage from on site economy, there in the reserved parking (closest and like $40 per day) is my boss's truck. And reserved takes planning, he wasn't just running late and needed to park in the garage to make a flight. 

I just put my business card under his wiper. I never brought it up, and I haven't heard any complaints about parking on my expense reports since.

via Jonny_Wurster  / Reddit.com

6. All this over a Puff Daddy CD.

I'm a librarian and I'm actually very proud of this one. Back then I was in charge of the cinema and music section of my library. This guy came with his son and asked me where to find our Puff Daddy CDs. We have one and I show him on the shelves where to find it. Then I was called in another place of the library and go check on my colleagues. On my way back to the music section, I see him coming out of the library and I don't know why (maybe he seemed dodgy) but I have a feeling something is wrong. I go check, the CD is gone. It's not appearing on his library card, so he didn't borrow it. I have a look if he didn't misplace it but it's not there. The guy just stole the fucking Puff Daddy CD, WITH HIS 8 YEARS OLD SON. FROM A PUBLIC LIBRARY. WHERE YOU CAN BORROW IT FOR FREE. At this point I do nothing because we have no proof, and no security camera. A few weeks later, the son and his sister (8 and 10 years old) come to the library again and borrow some CD. I'm watching them and to my knowledge, they didn't steal anything, and I don't want to confront them because it would break my heart to have them stopping to come to the library because of their father bullshit.

But this whole story still bother me. So a few month later, I decide to try something. I still had the stolen CD barcode and I just decided to add it to their library card, as if they borrowed it. Worst case scenario, they say they don't have it and I apologise and say that it's a mistake from the library. A few days later they arrive, take some documents, return some, and just before leaving I proceed to explain them that they still have a document, a "Puff Daddy CD" that they need to return. The look of panic in their eyes and incomprehension was just delightful. They didn't say anything and a few days later they came back with the CD. I don't really care about Puff Daddy, and we could easily have replaced it, but just for the principle, it was one of my greatest victories.

via icetea32  / Reddit.com

7. She was going to safely nestle it until the package hatched.

I was around 15 years old and had a package delivered to my house. My crackhead neighbor came over, paced back and forth in front of the door before smoothly opening our gate, coming to the door, and picking up mypackage. I opened the door as she was walking off and she turned white as a ghost when she heard the door open. When I asked her WTF she was doing with my package, she explained to me that she was going to protect it for me, that she didn't know it was mine (?), before I demanded she hand over my package and leave.

I snapped at this lady, which was abnormal for shy little 15-year-old me. I was furious because what was inside that package was a gift for my mother, who was at work at the time. I'll never forget that.

via rrh058  / Reddit.com

8. I think I would've just played along -- just saw how far this lying cashier was willing to go.

I come from a small-ish town. Brother made it the MLB. Was at the grocery store with my dad (who was wearing the MLB team's jacket at the time) - checker says to us "you know I helped that kid get to the majors." My Dad just politely pulled out his ID and told him to check the last name. Checker just laughed embarrassingly, immediately shut up, and gave us extra monopoly tickets for our time. 

Edit: to clarify, my brother made it to a non-local team, so my dad wearing the jacket is what sparked the conversation.

via 2farty4me_irl  / Reddit.com

9. Oh no. Him realizing it midway through might be the most awkward part.

At work one day a co-worker started telling me and another co-worker a story about being stopped by the police. 

He went into great detail about how he stopped at a gas station for a drink and there were two cops standing out front and nobody else in the parking lot. He gave the cops a wave, being nice, bought his drink, and left. Less than a hundred feet down the street these same two cops pulled him over. They told him that they smelled weed when he got out of the car. He asked the cops if they could smell it now, standing next to his open window, they said no but it was obvious it came from him. They asked if they could search his car, which he angrily let them, telling them he wanted the cops to climb through his hot car to find nothing. While one cop did the "Search" the other cop told him to calm down, he looked nervous. To which he said "I'm not pissed, I'm angry. You didn't smell weed, you smelled a shaved head and tattoos." The cops found nothing and let him go about his business.

THE LIE:

It was MY story. It happened to ME months before and I told that story at work back then. He even quoted me, except I said "Long hair and tattoos". A few minutes into the story my other co-worker and I start giving each other the side eye, realizing he was literally telling me my own story. I think he realized it towards the end because he quickly finished up the story and left without ever mentioning it again.

We never brought it up either, I had such a bad case of second hand embarrassment for the guy. Plus everybody else already heard about it and he was forever branded the liar.

via sebrebc  / Reddit.com

10. To be fair, we aren't all swimming in daily newspapers.

When his ex girlfriend sent me a picture of a pregnancy test...but couldn't hold it up to a daily newspaper. She broke and admitted it was fake... Queen of Douche

via rubbersforwork  / Reddit.com

11. Damn, scammer. At least update your scammy pics.

Sued a bloke for not paying his mortgage. He filed an application claiming he'd never been served with the court proceedings, and he'd just found them in his front yard. He also managed in two pages to set out eleven separate claimed defences to the claim. Oh and he also claimed he didn't speaka da good English.

Something didn't stack up. So I ran some Court file searches, and discovered he'd defaulted on another mortgage a few years earlier and filed the exact same affidavit back then. Even included the exact same photos of the court documents supposedly lying in his yard. 

The case did not end well for him.

via fistingdonkeys  / Reddit.com

12. Sounds like a mess of a situation.

I knew my ex wife was cheating but didn't tell her that I knew..

Took her out to dinner and I casually asked questions about who she had been spending time with while I was at sea, she barely worked so she had to spend her time doing something.

She failed to mention the guy that had been staying at my house for nearly 2 months, the guy she had to call the cops on just to get to leave because I was coming home in 2 days... soooo I slid her a copy of the police report that was filed for the incident and watched as she crumbled over the fact she had been caught, and I didn't have to say a word. 

Divorce court was even more satisfying, in case anyone was wondering.

via links311  / Reddit.com

13. I've got that horrible period that's been going around.

One of my staff (who is unfortunately family with the owner so he's not getting canned anytime soon) is the biggest liar I have ever met. We'll call him Jim.

He lies about everything, regardless of importance. He just doesn't care. He's been caught in lies multiple times and really just doesn't care.

If someone is sick, guaranteed he will be off the next day having "caught" whatever someone had. My whole department is female (5 females) except for him. One day almost all of us were suffering from some horrible period cramps. Everyone was complaining about the pain but no one said it was because of their period, because it's usually pretty obvious why. 

The HR department has a wonderful supply of meds and so I had to empty their stock of midol and heat pads. Some of the staff was teasing that they will bring chocolate as a peace offering before entering our department.

The next day he emails in that he's sick and he caught the horrible stomach bug all the ladies in the department had. He's so sore he can't move, has a migraine, blah blah.

Word spread quickly and Jim has forever been mocked as the dude who had to take time off work for his period. He won't be let go but he does get his pay docked when he flakes off like this. It was worth it to be able to make fun of him forever.

via Reallychelseawow  / Reddit.com

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10 Idiots Who Missed the Joke Harder Than a Bald Man Misses His Hair

We're not saying these people are stupid to the point of non-functional, but we don't feel comfortable operating heavy machinery or handling hot bowls of soup around a baby.

But hey, Trump's in the White House so these people could actually run our entire country one day. And their first order of business Ban all jokes nationwide.

It's time to put a stop to the evil humor corporation that makes so many people look dumb.

 

via shutterstock

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1. Some say that he's still staring at the song to this day, and if you listen hard enough, you can see him facepalming into eternity. 

via TheFloatingMuffin

2. Wow! What a touching photo of our great leader taking care of a young Mexican child!

via hentai_it

3. If this is a drawing, then it proves that space doesn't exist and astronauts are liars trying to manipulate us into their orb cult. 

via Ithladohr

4. The only thing mixed up is your sense of humor, my dear boy. 

via SirPikaPika

5. Psh, acronyms are subjective, anyway. What you may view as an acyonym won't always be what I view has an acronym and when you see purple it might even be my green!

via ya-boi-egg

6. Mr. Jeff Blinker is one of the most important scientists of all time and you need to respect him.

via Jackster1249

7. Who does this little shit think he is? He thinks he's smarter than me?! I bet I could still beat him at arm wrestling. 

via hlaiie

8. NO. ONE. KNOWS. KAREN. What don't you understand about this?!

via BootManBill42069

9. Dourscore and seven memes ago, I President Abraham "Mad Shredder" Lincoln discovered the internet.

via Davithofglencracken

10. It really is just such a shame when women don't support other women. 

via schmidtydo

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What is Big Dick Energy and Why Is Everyone Assuring Me I Don't Have It?

Are you as confused as I am as to what big dick energy is? And why everyone in your life is repeatedly, loudly telling you that you don't have it? 

The term 'big dick energy' was brought into the world when an Ariana Grande fan asked her over Twitter how long the rumored interlude to Pete Davidson, her now fiance, would be on her upcoming album Sweetener. Ariana responded thusly:

This tweet has since been deleted, but the screenshots that remain provided the fuel necessary to ignite the fire that is Big Dick Energy. @babyvietcong used the term in a tweet about Davidson, but jsyk she did not invent or popularize the term, we have @imbobswaget to thank for that.

Pete davidson is 6'3 with dark circles, exudes big dick energy, looks evil but apparently is an angel, and loves his girl publicly the only thing wrong w him is that he's a scorpio but anyway.....id married him within a month too

-- Tina (@babyvietcong) June 23, 2018

before Wendy's tweets their baked potatoes have big dick energy just know @imbobswaget popularized the term

-- jaboukie young-white (@jaboukie) June 27, 2018

But what is big dick energy? And why do all of my family and friends keep texting me telling me that I shouldn't look too deep into it, I definitely don't have it? Here's some quick explainers that may help you understand:

'big dick energy' is confidence without cockiness. it is never misplaced, and it cannot be simulated. it is the sexual equivalent of writing a check for $10K knowing you got it in the bank account

thank you for attending my TEDxTalk

-- priya (@priya_ebooks) June 25, 2018

feel like people are mixing up "big dick energy" and "has a big dick" when actually you do not even need to have a dick to have big dick energy. i have big dick energy. lindsay lohan has big dick energy. rihanna? big dick energy

-- Emily Reynolds (@rey_z) June 25, 2018

So there you have it folks. Ask your doctor if big dick energy is right for you, you should not have it if you have a preexisting heart condition. Now check out these funny tweets about BDE.

1.

me: i just... i dont feel very big dick energy lately. im feeling very little dick energy. yesterday i didnt even want to take my shirt off at the pool

therapist: excuse me

-- eric turtle (@dubstep4dads) June 26, 2018

2.

The Big Dick Energy of the Chrises, Ranked:
1.) Evans, astronomical BDE, effortless
2.) Hemsworth, extreme BDE, but it's bolstered by some (fun) performance
3.) Pine, lots of BDE but he doesn't make a big deal about it
4.) Pratt, almost no BDE at all. All performance.

-- Meg 🔪 Downey (@rustypolished) June 26, 2018

3.

unfortunately the term big dick energy is canceled after one of you said the tivago dude exudes it

-- vampire workday (@imbobswaget) June 23, 2018

4.

*extremely cool youth pastor voice*
you know who had real big dick energy?

-- Austin Gilkeson 🐙 (@osutein) June 26, 2018

5.

what idiot called it big dick energy and not je ne sais cock?

-- Alp Ozcelik (@alplicable) June 26, 2018

6.

carrie: i couldn't help but wonder...did Mr. Big have Mr. Big Dick Energy?
samantha: is there any other kind of energy?
charlotte: big chick energy before big dick energy
miranda: i will fix the MTA

-- Sammy Nickalls 🧚‍♀️ (@sammynickalls) June 26, 2018

7.

twitter on the west coast is hard cus you're just waking up and people are already talking about how mr. rogers had big dick energy

-- jaboukie young-white (@jaboukie) June 26, 2018

8.

big dick energy pic.twitter.com/WGYkLeR5hE

-- Perfume Genius (@perfumegenius) June 26, 2018

9.

big dick energy is tired i'm all about cavernous pussy energy now

-- Carina Hsieh (@carinahsieh) June 26, 2018

10.

excited for the NYT Twitter memes reporter to send their piece on "big dick energy" to the copy desk

-- ಠ_ಠ (@MikeIsaac) June 26, 2018

11.

people w the most BDE, ranked:

10. u cant just
9. rank
8. human beings
7. based on
6. such an arbitrary
5. and
4. ridiculous concept
3. it does not
2. make sense
1. frances mcdormand

-- ells (@ElliePeek) June 27, 2018

12.

aries: BDE, small dick
taurus: nah
gemini: no
cancer: tender BDE
leo: hate to give them the satisfaction but yeah, BDE
virgo: weaponized BDE
libra: lowkey BDE
scorpio: tries too hard to exude BDE to have BDE
sag: BDE
cap: runs you over with BDE
aquarius: nah
pisces: dormant BDE

-- anna borges (@annabroges) June 26, 2018

13.

How Jokes Get Ruined 101

twitter user: pete davidson has big dick energy

buzzfeed: A Complete Guide to the Origin of Big Dick Energy

white people: lizzie mcguire had ~big dick energy~

democrats: alex ocasio-cortez has BIG DICK ENERGY!!!!1BLUE WAVE

-- Jill Gutowitz (@jillboard) June 27, 2018

14. Thank you for taking this BDE journey with us

i make a content pic.twitter.com/NWju8RraWj

-- Isabel (@izzafacekilla) June 26, 2018

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11 Clever Tinderers Who Know How To Get A Point Across

When you're swiping in a sea of unoriginality, you gotta be a little different to stand out from the crowd. The best way of doing so is being incredibly hot. But also a good way of doing is being clever. These people knocked it outta the park, using their noggins to get a point across. Prime right-swipe candidates.

1. Good luck, Cheri. Or Cheri's grandpa. Whoever is in charge here.

via The_Venezian / Reddit.com

2. An interesting proposition.

via xoduspbc / Reddit.com

3. This man is full of innuendo. Overflowing.

via hui-neng / Reddit.com

4. Nates relationship did not end well.

via Fingerinthbooty / Reddit.com

5. Do not put those on your resume.

via alphaillusion / Reddit.com

6. Short, but sweet. 

via LLbnjt99 / Reddit.com

7. It all makes sense now.

via  jwvi / Reddit.com

8. But that's..ah. I understand.

via Thesteelman86 / Reddit.com

9. Lady knows she looks good.

via  imgettinganoilchange / Reddit.com

10. Fair.

via YouBih / Reddit.com

11. Hey, whatever works.

via professor_daddy / Reddit.com

 

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